The breastfeeding messages that women get these days are that “breast is best”, breastfeeding is the natural way to feed your baby, breastfeeding is an amazing way to bond with your baby, breastfeeding is free, it’s easy etc. etc. In other words, the consistent message is that breastfeeding is all sunshine and roses.
While it is true that breastfeeding is the natural way for us to feed our babies, it helps with bonding etc., the reality is that sometimes, breastfeeding just sucks. Sometimes, you end up with a baby who won’t latch, your nipples are sore, you’re engorged, you end up having to give formula because your baby is losing weight, you’re exhausted, an emotional wreck and feeling like a failure because something so “natural” isn’t working.
Why the difference between the messages that women get and the reality that many women experience? Well unfortunately, we do not live in a society that supports normal breastfeeding. Most mothers start their breastfeeding relationship after giving birth in hospital where interventions like inductions, epidurals, C-sections, forceps, vacuum, separation from baby, inaccurate information etc. are all too common. All of these interventions can have a negative impact on breastfeeding. Combine that with the fact that most of us no longer go home to a large family waiting to “mother the mother” as she eases into her role (as it used to be), and breastfeeding can be down right hard. Many of us grow up never having seen a baby being breastfed. Some women have never held a baby before their own. Breastfeeding is natural, but it is also a learned skill, and how are we supposed to learn if we have never seen it before becoming a mother?
So if breastfeeding does suck, what can you do? Well, first of all, remember that breastfeeding is parenting and parenting is hard work. If it’s not the breastfeeding, there’s bound to be some other aspect of parenting that you’re finding difficult. Second, remember it will get better with the right support. We are not meant to breastfeed or parent in isolation, so when it does suck, find help. Many moms struggle on their own, feeling (like I did) that they should be able to figure it out themselves. It’s breastfeeding, not rocket science right?! True, but natural or not, we’re not meant to do it alone.
Contact your local La Leche League group, find a local breastfeeding cafe (or start one yourself!), or find support on-line. Connecting with other nursing moms will help you to realize that you’re not alone, and that it is possible to overcome early difficulties and go on to a happy breastfeeding relationship. If your struggles are more complex, or you haven’t been able to find the right kind of support, then contact an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) for help. You can search for one in your area at the ILCA website. If you’ve already seen an IBCLC and are still struggling, keep trying. As with any other professional help, sometimes it is a case of finding the person that is right for you (There are of course rare situations where exclusive breastfeeding may not be possible, but an IBCLC can help you maximize your milk production and come up with solutions that work for you). Breastfeeding is the natural way to feed our babies, and yes, once it is working well, it truly is a wonderful experience.
Casey – you may very well be long gone, but you might want to look at http://d-mer.org/. There is a certain subset of women for whom the hormones related with “let-down” cause very negative emotions. Also if you haven’t yet learned to nurse in an infant carrier – oh baby world of difference for that stuck on the couch feeling!
As for attitude – I do think it make some difference. I will often be talking to a mom who is having baby number 2+ and did not have positive experiences with breastfeeding the first time(s) around. They will often attribute that to “being young” and possibly being either “selfish” and/or “ignorant”. I was 17 when I became pregnant with my oldest child – and was both self-involved and ignorant (fairly typical 17 yr old in as much as I expected the world to fall open at my feet regardless of what I did). But…. I came from a breastfeeding family and culture. While I was only nursed for 6 months (in the mid 1970s) my younger siblings were both breastfeed for over a year. And though I have no memory of seeing them breastfeed that experience taught me simply that babies were breastfed. I never saw any baby bottle-fed unless it was by a sitter and it was pumped milk. I also grew up with a series of mothering magazines sitting in the bathroom and though we were far from crunch the msgs sank in to the point that when we were doing our “flour sack baby” lesson in the 8th grade I had arguments with the teacher that babies didn’t actually cost that much – that you could family bed, breastfeed, use cloth diapers, etc.
And seriously I wasn’t really raised that way other than the breastfeeding – my mom did and does still prefer to cook all food in the microwave LOL.
So fast forward to my teenage pregnancy – of course I would breastfeed – and I did for over 3 years. I do feel lucky that I didn’t have any of the series of problems such as Jennifer mentioned because I don’t know if I would have had the resources to fight through that – but my breastfeeding culture did allow me to get through the standard dealing with the learning curve without the thought of giving a bottle crossing my mind – and then I learned how lazy breastfeeding really was LOL – perfect for a self-involved teenager!
Fast forward another 11 years and I gave birth to my fifth child – I’d been a LLLLeader for 5 yrs and was getting ready to sit for my IBCLC exam. This child was a complete PITA to breastfeeding. He was the child who would yell in frustration as you held the breast in his mouth because he didn’t know it was there and then try to latch and suck himself right off the nipple. However, in my postpartum state I did not look for help nor seek to diagnose him and just kept at it until we finally figured it out – he nursed for nearly 5 years.
At 7 he has been diagnosed with a number of speech, orthodontic and oral-facial issues including a severe tongue thrust. The other day he was laying on the ground wailing because a wrestling match with his brother had gone wrong and I happened to glance in his mouth – boy howdy was that a bubble pallet! Heaven knows how this child managed to breastfeed and what type of issues he would have had if hadn’t.
Except for a period of about a year following a stillbirth in 1997 I have been breastfeeding since 1993. It is not “magical/wonderful” any more than “breast is best”. It is inextricably linked to mothering as well as a basic body function – it is simply “what is” – and that to me is truly a breastfeeding culture.
I have a one month old and have only breast fed her but honestly, I think it’s a pain in the ass. I don’t feel the magic bonding I’m “supposed” to be feeling. (Oddly, I feel like we’re bonding while doing pretty much everything else, esp. when I rock her to sleep in my arms/cosleep) I feel stuck on the sofa and annoyed. However, I did choose to become and a parent and never have considered any other feeding option.
I think the “breastfeeding is a magical/wonderful experience” message sets a lot of women up for disappointment and failure; It makes me (and other moms who feel similar to me that I have talked to) like we’re bad mothers or at least not “normal” moms because we don’t like breastfeeding.
This is a great post, thank you for it! Yes, parenting isn’t always easy, and breastfeeding sometimes isn’t easy. But breastfeeding is bliss to me, as you know. Nothing makes me feel more like a mom, and I’m so glad I’m able to feed and comfort my son with it.
Thanks for adding my blog to your blogroll, and it’s wonderful to tweet with you! 🙂
Dagmar
I really wish there was more support for those of us who choose to do extended breastfeeding. It is HARD to breastfeed a 22 month old!!! So wiggley, doing acrobatics, leg in the air….shaking the leg to some unheard beat…..then there’s the TOUCHING!! rubbing me and pulling at me, and just ugh.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT ready to wean him, but some commiseration on the antics of a toddler nurser would be great as well!!!
Also, I really HATE it when people look at me nursing him and say–he’s STILL nursing??
ummm, yes, as you can clearly see!!
It’s just the attitude towards it, like he’s 17 or something and not still so little!!
It drives me nutty and makes me question my choice, which I do not like being made to feel that way.
I LOVE breastfeeding all my babies!! And it hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been right for us!!
As a mom who breastfed a much shorter time than I had planned and wanted to, I really like this post (I found your blog through a link to a link). I got all the messages that breastfeeding is natural and great and wonderful and a fair number of “it was kind of tricky at first, but then we figured it out after a week or two” but none of the messages that it can really suck for a while. Unfortunately the difficulties ended up being too much for me and I weaned a few weeks before going back to work rather than spend the last few weeks of my maternity leave miserable, stressed out, and in pain with a son who was equally miserable and stressed out.
I will definitely say that I can’t see a reason why someone for whom breastfeeding is going reasonably smoothly would want to choose formula. I envy the women for whom breastfeeding was easy from the start or got easier as they went along. For me it was a series of bad advice, physical problems (mine and my son’s), constant tracking of wet and dirty diapers, ounces eaten, and ounces pumped. For us, formula is a thousand times better than what we went through, but I know that a good breastfeeding experience would be a thousand times better still.
I do think that it’s important for expecting moms to hear that, even though it’s natural, it’s not always easy, and it can be hard in ways you never expected. I had read about nursing strikes, I knew about a lot of the bad advice “boobytraps” and I was even prepared to have latching difficulties because of my very inverted nipples. But nothing I read, nothing the nurses at the hospital or LCs after we were discharged suggested that I try prepared me to need a nipple shield, for my son to be unable to latch on far enough to effectively transfer milk, for 6 weeks of pumping and supplementing with formula, and then for trying to resume nursing (still with the shield) only to discover that a combination of a strong suck, a shallow latch, and my inverted nipples left me cracked, bleeding and in excruciating pain (when I was nursing I wished I was reliving the worst pains of labor instead). I didn’t learn until much later that, contrary to everything that says pain like that is not normal or is a sign of a problem, in my case some of the pain probably was “normal” because my son literally had to stretch the tissue and pull my nipples out from their inverted state. By that point, I’m not sure if it would have made a difference for me, but it sure did put me in a different mindset for when I have any future children.
I will say that in my case I think the mindset that breastfeeding (specifically exclusive breastfeeding) was the ONLY option was part of what led me to develop postpartum depression and really aggravated my problems. I think if I had been more willing to just do whatever it took to feed my son, accepting that for at least a while that would include formula, both of us would have been much happier and better able to weather the rough spots.
I hope my story can be useful for anyone you might know who is struggling with breastfeeding or who is trying to help someone who is struggling.
I third what Chris said! I loved breastfeeding, it was tricky to learn at first but it was so much easier than heating a bottle, paying for formula, etc. – and it added so much comfort to both me and the babies – and most of all it gave me something instantaneous I could use to comfort them with. A friend recently gave birth and really didn’t give it a chance – now the baby is on a bottle/formula – and I am so baffled by this choice. Although she uses the excuse that “the baby just didn’t really want to latch on” I (perhaps unfairly) translate that to mean: I really didn’t want to breastfeed. I personally think it’s much harder NOT to breastfeed, but that’s just me. (-:
PS: Thank you so much for recommending my Mr. Mary Poppins post on Facebook – holy cow, you started a huge stampede of readers to my little mommy blog!
Chris, I couldn’t agree with you more! I think a mother’s attitude toward breastfeeding is hugely important. As soon as I knew I was pregnant, I committed myself to breastfeeding and learning as much about it as I could. I didn’t consider any other feeding options because my body and my child are designed for breastfeeding. It’s not a choice — it’s what we are SUPPOSED to do. I’m about 11 months in, and although it hasn’t always been the smoothest path (sudden unexplained drop in supply, a few mini nursing strikes, nipping with new teeth, etc.), I am completely captivated by my breastfeeding relationship with my daughter and committed to working through any issues. I think if more women viewed formula as something to be used only if medically necessary (i.e., if mom is taking medications or has an illness that could harm baby if passed through breastmilk, or in the rare cases when mom can’t produce enough or any milk for baby), there would be fewer women giving up or never starting because “it’s just too hard.”
I’m always baffled when I hear complaints about breastfeeding, and I mean that not in a judgemental sense, but in an honest-to-goodness, what’s-not-to-love-about-it-? kind of way. I really don’t understand how/why someone would stop or, egad(!) never start! I often wonder, how much does attitude have to do with it? I am a true believer that your attitude dictates how you live your life and thus when my son was born I had the attitude that breastfeeding was the ONLY option and I was looking forward to it more than anything else about being a mother. It has, and continues to be, the most amazing experience, even 19 months on. What is your opinion on the role of a mother’s attitude in breastfeeding?