Breastfeeding Stories of Hope

After watching a video of good deeds caught on security cameras, it brought to mind something that I’ve often thought about. We see and hear so much negativity in the news, in print media and on-line, that it is bound to have an impact on our perceptions of our world. I wonder how different things would  be if we were exposed to more of the positive stories. They’re out there, but it’s easy to forget at times when we are surrounded by constant stories of hate, intolerance and tragedy. We need reminders that there is still a lot of good in the world.

I feel the same way when it comes to breastfeeding. A while ago I asked the following question on Twitter and Facebook: “When you were pregnant, what did you hear more of about breastfeeding – positive stories or horror stories?”. The answer was overwhelmingly that people had heard mainly horror stories from their friends, family and even complete strangers. I think we hear the horror stories because birth and breastfeeding have a big impact on how we perceive ourselves as mothers, and it is something that stays with us. For those who have had a bad experience, it is natural to have a need to talk about it as it is part of the healing process.

What kind of impact does this have though on us as women when it comes to our confidence in our bodies to nourish our children? I believe that it often causes women to doubt their abilities before their child even arrives. This doubt often sets into motion a series of events that can lead to premature weaning, which of course just reinforces the belief that breastfeeding is difficult and not possible for many women.

Breastfeeding is a natural event that our bodies are specially designed for, and the vast majority of women are capable of breastfeeding their babies without any problems.  The fact that there are so many horror stories out there is a very sad reflection on the state of today’s maternal and newborn care practices. Unfortunately, hospital policies and the curriculums for health care providers are very slow to catch up to what the evidence is telling us is best practice. Many of the current practices in hospital sabotage breastfeeding before it really even gets started. This is why it’s so important to be educated before your baby arrives.

There are lots of positive stories out there, but they can be much harder to find than the negative ones. Because of this, I’d like to collect breastfeeding stories to highlight on my website. Research tells us that the higher a woman’s confidence in breastfeeding is, the more likely she is to meet her breastfeeding goals. Stories from others mothers who have had positive breastfeeding experiences, or (perhaps more importantly), stories from mothers who faced difficulty with breastfeeding but overcame those difficulties and went on to breastfeed successfully, can be inspiring and a source of hope for other mothers who are currently struggling. Even if you didn’t end up exclusively feeding at breast, if you found a solution to your struggles that you were happy with and worked for your family, that’s still success!

Please share your story, or leave some encouraging words for other mothers, in the comments below or e-mail me at fleur(at)nurturedchild(dot)ca. Help other breastfeeding moms by getting the word out that it is possible to meet your breastfeeding goals, even if you’ve had a rough start!

To read the stories that have been submitted so far, see Breastfeeding – You Can Do It!

 

Breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt

In my post about The Truth Behind Common Breastfeeding Myths, the following myth received a lot of comments on both my blog and on my Facebook page:

Myth: It’s normal for breastfeeding to hurt. Truth: If breastfeeding  hurts something is wrong. Nursing may be a little uncomfortable during the early days as your body adjusts to a new sensation, but it should never be painful. Poor latch is the most common cause of pain in the early weeks, but there are other possibilities including sucking issues with baby from birth interventions or physical characteristics such as tongue-tie. If nursing hurts, get help as soon as possible. The earlier breastfeeding problems are addressed, the easier they are to fix. If you go to someone for help and the problem isn’t solved, keep trying until you find someone with the knowledge and experience to help.

A number of people have responded to say that they disagree with this, and that breastfeeding for them hurt for the first few weeks even though they had been told that nothing was wrong. A couple of comments on my blog pointed out that pain with breastfeeding is common with hormonal changes during pregnancy and ovulation, and asked why would this be different in the postpartum period? It’s an interesting question, and I don’t have a good answer. It’s certainly a possibility, and obviously everyone has a different pain threshold. The hormonal makeup of a mother after birth is different however than that of a mother who is pregnant or ovulating. It doesn’t make sense biologically for breastfeeding to be painful. Breastfeeding is supposed to be a pleasurable experience so that we’ll keep doing it to ensure that our species survives.

From my perspective as an RN and IBCLC, pain when breastfeeding indicates a problem. Breastfeeding can certainly be uncomfortable in the early days, but I strongly feel that it shouldn’t hurt. When assessing latch, it is really important to remember that a good latch is defined by how it feels, not by how it looks. Sometimes a baby’s latch can look perfect from the outside, but something is going on inside the baby’s mouth that is causing the pain.

Latch is very important, but so is a baby’s ability to suck effectively. I frequently see moms and babies where mom is experiencing pain and yet she has been told by someone else that her latch “looks perfect” and “nothing is wrong, your nipples just need to toughen up”. Usually in these cases something is going on in baby’s mouth that is causing the pain for mom. Tongue and/or lip-tie are a common cause, but another cause that is far less obvious is a sucking issue related to the birth process and/or baby’s position in utero. Birth interventions can have a huge impact on a baby’s ability to suck effectively. Vacuum and forceps in particular almost always result in sucking issues. Think about how you would feel if you were stuck in a small space and someone stuck a vacuum on your head, or grabbed your head in a pair of vice grips and pulled! Your head would hurt! Vacuum and forceps can cause irritation to a baby’s cranial nerves, and those nerves control the jaw and tongue, so it’s not surprising that those interventions tend to cause some issues with sucking. I also see sucking issues with C-sections, very quick deliveries, deliveries where there has been a very long pushing phase and sometimes the issues seem to be related to muscle tension in the baby that has likely been caused by their position in utero.

Sucking issues are not always obvious, and they usually require someone knowledgeable to identify them. Even issues such as tongue-tie are often missed by health care providers. Thankfully, sucking issues caused by birth interventions can usually be resolved with time spent breastfeeding and/or body work such as craniosacral therapy. They can however, cause a lot of pain for mom in the mean time even though everything looks “right” from the outside. So what do we do? Some people feel that telling women that breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt is doing them a disservice because it causes them to think that they’re doing something wrong if it does hurt. For most women however, pain indicates that something is wrong, although it may be something that baby is doing rather than anything the mom is or isn’t doing. It’s hard to know what is the best approach – do we tell moms that breastfeeding might hurt and encourage them to persevere through it, despite the fact that we then run the risk of moms not seeking help soon enough when there really is a problem, or do we say that it shouldn’t hurt so women know to seek help?

What do you think?

 

The Truth Behind Common Breastfeeding Myths

There are many common misconceptions about breastfeeding, and they often cause damage to the breastfeeding relationship. Here are some of the ones that are frequently held by parents and health care providers alike, and the truth behind them.

Myth: It’s normal for breastfeeding to hurt. Truth: If breastfeeding  hurts something is wrong. Nursing may be a little uncomfortable during the early days as your body adjusts to a new sensation, but it should never be painful. Poor latch is the most common cause of pain in the early weeks, but there are other possibilities including sucking issues with baby from birth interventions or physical characteristics such as tongue-tie. If nursing hurts, get help as soon as possible. The earlier breastfeeding problems are addressed, the easier they are to fix. If you go to someone for help and the problem isn’t solved, keep trying until you find someone with the knowledge and experience to help.

Myth: Moms with small breasts can’t make enough milk. Truth: Breast size doesn’t matter.  Milk production has nothing to do with breast size.  It’s even possible for women with smaller breasts to have an oversupply of milk! Following your baby’s lead and nursing whenever your baby cues to feed will help to ensure adequate production of milk.

Myth: Many moms can’t produce enough milk. Truth: The vast majority of mothers can make more than enough milk for their baby (or babies!). It is estimated that only 2-5% (some believe this number is lower, closer to 1-2%) of women are truly unable to produce enough milk for their baby. Our species never would have survived if we weren’t able to provide for our young. Low milk production is usually the result of not enough stimulation of the breast from nursing or pumping.

Myth: There is no milk in the first few days. Truth: Colostrum *is* breastmilk! The small amounts are perfect for a new baby’s tiny stomach. Newborn stomach capacity: Day one 9-10ml (1/3 oz), day three 22-27ml (3/4-1 oz), day 10 60-81ml (2-2.5 oz).

Myth: Babies usually nurse every 3-4 hours. Truth: Babies often need to eat every 2 hrs or less. Babies have small stomachs and breastmilk is digested quickly. This is not a flaw in nature’s design, babies need to be held and interacted with frequently to aid in the development of  their brains. Frequent feedings help to ensure this!

Myth: Night feedings aren’t important. Truth: Prolactin levels (the hormone responsible for milk production) are highest at night, so those night feedings (or pumping sessions)  are important for milk production.

Myth: Breastfeeding mothers get less sleep. Truth: Recent research has shown that breastfeeding mothers get more sleep, and enjoy better quality sleep, than formula feeding mothers do. Another recent study found no difference in the amount of sleep that breastfeeding and formula feeding mothers get.  Giving formula at night to try to get more rest doesn’t work (and may make things worse if your baby doesn’t react well to the formula), and missing night time nursing sessions can have a negative impact on your milk production.

Myth: Breasts need time to fill up between feedings. Truth: Your breasts are continually making milk as your baby drinks. You don’t need to wait a certain amount of time before putting your baby back to breast.

Myth: There is no way to tell how much baby is getting. Truth: To know whether or not your baby is getting enough breastmilk, look at your baby! If your baby is gaining weight, having plenty of wet and dirty diapers, is content after feedings, meeting developmental milestones, outgrowing clothes and diapers etc, then he’s getting everything he needs.

Myth: If your breasts feel soft you don’t have enough milk. Truth: Many women worry that they don’t have enough milk if their breasts are soft, or they can’t feel their milk “let-down”.  After the early weeks, your body adjusts to your baby’s needs, and the full feeling that you may have experienced early on disappears. This does not mean that you don’t have enough milk, it simply means that your milk production is in sync with your baby’s needs. Being able to feel your milk let down is also not an indicator of milk production. Many women never feel their milk let down.

Myth: If your baby is nursing frequently, he’s just using you as a pacifier. Truth: Breasts are the original pacifier! Babies don’t nurse just for food. This often comes as a surprise to parents, but babies go to the breast for many reasons. They’re hungry, thirsty, tired, hurt, overstimulated, bored, lonely, in the mood for cuddles, etc. All are equally valid reasons to nurse. Believing that babies only nurse because they are hungry can lead to problems if parents try to hold off feedings because “he can’t be hungry he just ate!”. I’m sure most of us have heard someone say “Don’t let your baby use you as a pacifier. My response to this is “I’m not pacifying, I’m mothering!“ Pacifiers were invented to allow babies to satisfy their sucking needs when mom is not available, not the other way around. Mothers are not meant to nurse their babies only when a pacifier isn’t available.

Myth: Frequent nursing and holding will spoil your baby, make him too dependent etc. Truth: Research tells us that babies who are held and nursed frequently, actually go on to be very outgoing and adventurous children. Babies’ first relationships set the tone for all future relationships in life. By responding to our babies’ needs quickly, consistently and with love, we teach our children that the world is a safe and wonderful place. This gives them the courage to go out and explore because they know that they have a safe and loving place to return to.

Myth: If you let your baby fall asleep at the breast, he’ll never learn to go to sleep on his own. Truth: All children eventually learn to settle themselves to sleep. Babies fall asleep at the breast because nature designed it that way. Nursing is a peaceful and easy way to help our babies and young children settle to sleep during a time when they do not yet have the ability to self soothe.

Myth: pumping shows how much milk you have. Truth: The amount you are able to pump is not a good indicator of milk production. Many moms don’t respond well to pump, and a baby who is able to nurse effectively is far more efficient than any pump.

Myth: You have to drink milk to make milk. Truth: Cow’s milk is not a necessary component of anyone’s diet. We are the only mammals who drink milk past the time of natural weaning and yet every other mammal manages to produce milk for their young.

Myth: Eating gassy foods will make your baby gassy/breastfeeding moms have to be careful about what they eat/drink. Truth: Breastmilk is made from what’s in your bloodstream not your stomach. Most babies have no trouble with “gassy” or “spicy” foods, caffeine etc. Everything in moderation unless your baby’s behaviour is telling you otherwise. There is no need to unnecessarily limit your diet.

Myth: You can’t breastfeed if you’re taking medication. Truth: Most medications can be safely taken while breastfeeding. If you have questions about medications and breastfeeding, make sure you have accurate information by calling an IBCLC or the Infant Risk Centre.

Myth: you have to pump & dump after having x-rays, a CT scan or an MRI. Truth: Most scans (even those that use contrast dye) are safe while breastfeeding. Scans using radioactive isotopes are usually the only ones that require a temporary cessation of breastfeeding. If you have questions, check with an IBCLC or call the Infant Risk Centre for more information.

Myth: If you don’t have enough milk with your first baby, it will be the same with your next baby so there’s no sense in trying. Truth: Breasts usually develop more glandular tissue with each pregnancy, so if you didn’t have enough milk with a previous baby, that may not be the case with your next one. Also, most cases of low supply are due to not enough stimulation of your breasts through either nursing or pumping in the early weeks, so arm yourself with good information and support as you prepare for your next baby.

Myth: foremilk-hindmilk imbalance is a common problem. Truth: True foremilk-hindmilk imbalance is rare, and usually only happens in cases of oversupply of milk or timed feedings. Many parents are concerned about their baby getting the fatty “hindmilk”, but all breastmilk has some fat in it. When looking at fat intake, one feeding is not important. What is important is the fat intake over 24 hours. Fat content of breastmilk naturally varies throughout a feeding, and throughout a day. The emptier your breast is, the higher the fat content. So early in the day when milk volume tends to be higher, fat content will naturally be lower. Later in the day when milk volume is naturally lower, the fat content will higher. If you follow your baby’s cues and nurse your baby whenever he is looking for the breast, your baby will get what he needs.

Myth: Once your child gets teeth, can talk etc it’s time to stop nursing. Truth: According to anthropological research, the natural age of weaning for humans is between 2.5-7 years of age. Breastfeeding can and should continue for as long as is mutually desired.

Myth: Breastmilk is a dairy product. Truth: You’re not a cow! Breastmilk is considered a clear fluid.

Myth: Formula is just as good as breastmilk. Truth: Breastmilk is the biological norm for our species. It is a complex and living substance that scientists are still trying to unravel. Breastmilk has over 300 ingredients including white cells, antibacterial and antiviral agents etc. Formula has only 40 (non-living) ingredients.

Myth: After x number of months, breastmilk has no nutritional value. Truth: Breastmilk does not suddenly turn to water just because your baby has reached a certain age. Breastmilk continues to have fat, protein, carbohydrates, vitamin and minerals, antibodies etc, for as long as your child is nursing.

Myth: Doctors and nurses know a lot about breastfeeding. Truth: Most doctors and nurses (including pediatricians) have little to no education about breastfeeding (unless they pursue it on their own) as it is not part of their curriculum in school. If you need information about breastfeeding, call someone knowledgeable such as an IBCLC, La Leche League Leader or breastfeeding peer counsellor.

Myth: many mothers give up on breastfeeding too easily. Truth: Most moms want to breastfeed. Breastfeeding initiation rates are high, but the numbers of women exclusively breastfeeding drop off dramatically in the first month. Most moms run into problems and eventually switch to formula feeding due to  lack of accurate info and a lack of support.

Myth: breastfeeding is easy. Truth: Breastfeeding is natural, but in today’s culture it is often not easy. Mothers don’t fail at breastfeeding, society does. In a society where doctors and nurses have little to no training in breastfeeding and are frequently handing out harmful advice, where birth interventions that interfere with breastfeeding are the norm, formula marketing is rampant and mothers are made to feel ashamed to nurse their babies in public, it’s amazing that any woman manages to meet her breastfeeding goals. You can even the odds by educating yourself and establishing a support network. We are not meant to breastfeed or parent in isolation, so don’t be afraid to ask to for help!

The Problem with Breastfeeding Research & Rules


Parents are often confronted these days by news headlines that question the benefits of breastfeeding, or present new information about the “right” way to approach breastfeeding. The often sensational headlines are great for selling more papers, but they do little for parents who are often left feeling confused and wondering whose advice they should follow.

Why is there so much conflicting research? Well, breastfeeding research is hard to do. With all that is known about the risks of not breastfeeding, it would be unethical to randomly assign mothers to either exclusively breastfeed, or exclusively formula feed. This means that researchers are looking at women who have already made the decision about whether or not to breastfeed, and it is impossible to account for those confounding factors that may have played into the mom’s decision. It is also rare for breastfeeding studies to have adequate control groups. Because exclusive breastfeeding is the biological norm, that is what anything else should be compared to. Many studies do not include what their definition of “exclusive” breastfeeding is, or they allow a certain amount of formula to be given while still saying that the baby is being “exclusively” breastfed.  Any amount of formula in the control group is going to alter the results of the study. It is also important to look at who is doing the research. If breastfeeding research is being funded by formula companies for example, how biased are the results?

Breastfeeding research is fascinating to read, but I really can’t help wondering what ever happened to common sense and listening to our babies and instincts? How on earth did our ancestors survive without knowing about all the breastfeeding “rules” that we have these days. Nurse 10 minutes each side, feed every 2-3 hours, introduce solids at 6 months etc. etc. Breastfeeding is an art, not a science. There is nothing black and white about it. What applies to one baby isn’t necessarily going to apply to every other baby. Breastfeeding “rules” aren’t really rules at all. They are guidelines, and it’s important to remember that babies don’t read the books or watch the clock or calender. Some babies will be ready for solids around six months, some will be ready sooner, and some later. Most babies will need to eat every 2-3 hours, but some may be content for longer between feeds, and some may need to feed more frequently. There is a wide range of normal when it comes to breastfeeding and babies.

It’s important for parents and health care providers alike to understand that breastfeeding is not black and white, because rigid “rules” create problems. Parents who have been told by their nurse or doctor in hospital that their baby should be feeding every 3-4 hours, worry that they don’t have enough milk when their baby wants to feed every 2 hours (which is very normal). Babies are often pushed to eat solids before they are ready, or made to wait even though they are showing clear signs of readiness due to the “rule” of starting solids at 6 months. Parents worry about their baby’s weight gain, worry because their baby isn’t sleeping through the night yet, is feeding too often or not enough, isn’t getting enough hindmilk, wants to nurse to sleep, etc. etc.

So with all the conflicting information out there, what is a mother to do? The answer is simple. Arm yourself with credible information (La Leche League International, Dr. Jack Newman and Kellymom are good places to start), and then follow your baby’s lead! If you are having trouble with breastfeeding, or have questions about the latest headlines, talk to an IBCLC or LLL Leader in your area.

What breastfeeding rules have you struggled with?



Breastfeeding: It’s not just about the food

Babies don’t nurse just for food. This often comes as a surprise to parents, but babies go to the breast for many reasons. They’re hungry, thirsty, tired, hurt, overstimulated, bored, lonely, in the mood for cuddles, etc. All are equally valid reasons to nurse. Believing that babies only nurse because they are hungry can lead to problems if parents try to hold off feedings because “he can’t be hungry he just ate!”. I’m sure most of us have heard someone say “Don’t let your baby use you as a pacifier!”. My response to this is “I’m not pacifying, I’m mothering!” Pacifiers were invented to allow babies to satisfy their sucking needs when mom is not available, not the other way around. Mothers are not meant to nurse their babies only when a pacifier isn’t available!

Rather than becoming “spoiled” as is commonly believed, research shows that babies who are held and nursed frequently, actually go on to be very outgoing and adventurous children. Babies’ first relationships set the tone for all future relationships in life. By responding to our babies’ needs quickly, consistently and with love, we teach our children that the world is a safe and wonderful place. This gives them the courage to go out and explore because they know that they have a safe and loving place to return to.

Breastfeeding is a relationship that is about much more than just food. The whole experience of being close to mom, having skin-to-skin contact, smelling mom’s familiar scent, hearing her voice and seeing her face, receiving the comfort of warm milk, and the biologically specific components of human milk, all work together to provide the necessary environment for healthy growth and development of your baby.

I have heard people say that comfort nursing is bad because it teaches children to associate food with comfort, but breastfed babies aren’t thinking “I need comfort, so I need to eat”. They are thinking (or probably more accurately, feeling) “something’s not right, I need Mom”. Any milk they get while nursing is an added benefit, but what baby really wants and needs is the comfort and security of being close to mom. Research is showing us that babies who are not breastfed are more likely to be obese, and one theory as to why this is, is that breastfed babies have control over how much milk they take in, and they learn to eat only until they are full. For babies who are not being fed at the breast, someone else has control over the feeding, and bottle fed babies often end up taking in more milk than they really need/want. It is theorized that the overeating that bottle fed babies often experience can set the baby up for overeating later in life as well. There are also hormones present in breastmilk that help to control hunger and  metabolism. These hormones are absent in infant formula.

Breastfeeding is the ultimate mothering tool. You can’t go wrong putting your baby back to breast even if he did eat only an hour ago. Your baby may not be looking for food, but rather the comfort and security that comes with breastfeeding. You’re not being a pacifier, and you’re not creating any bad habits, you’re responding to your baby’s needs. The only time that frequent nursing may be cause for concern is if your baby is not gaining weight appropriately, isn’t having lots of wet and dirty diapers, or consistently seems unsatisfied right after coming off the breast. If this is the case, it would be a good idea to follow up with an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant to determine if something else is going on.

Expectations

When I was pregnant with our first child, I had a picture in my mind of what it was going to be like staying at home with our baby. I envisioned my husband coming home from work each day to a clean house, with supper ready and our baby peacefully sleeping. Reality was of course a far cry from what I had envisioned! With a baby who nursed every hour and a half for an hour at a time, My husband was lucky if I had managed to get dressed during the day let alone have a shower, clean the house or make dinner.

Looking back, my expectations were of course very unrealistic. I was the first in our family to have a baby however, and also the first of my friends, so I had no experience with the realities of motherhood. My expectations were based on what I had seen on TV, in movies, and in books and magazines. Those idealized images of “Supermom” having a spotless house, dinner on the table, and hair and makeup done all while caring for a young baby, were all I had to go on.

Because of this, the transition of going from working woman to stay at home mom was a difficult one. During the many hours that I spent nursing our son, I would often get frustrated by his frequent nursing. I had other things that I needed to get done. Whatever happened to newborns sleeping most of the day?! I was used to being on the go and busy, so spending most of the day sitting on the couch felt like wasted time, and I felt guilty when the household chores went undone. Other parents could manage a baby, house and husband, so why couldn’t I? My husband was very supportive, and certainly didn’t care that dinner wasn’t ready or that the house hadn’t been tidied up, but I did care, and I felt guilty for not being able to “do it all”.

By the time I was nursing our second child, my expectations were more realistic, however I still struggled with the difference between my expectations and reality (especially with another child to look after!). It was not until our daughter was much older that I came to the realization that during all those hours of sitting on the sofa nursing, I was actually doing something very important. The most important thing I will ever do in my life. I was feeding her, comforting her, stimulating her brain growth and development, and teaching her about trust and loving relationships (all by just nursing!). Once I came to the realization that nursing her was my job, and an important one, it became much easier to ignore the laundry that was piling up and the fact that we were having sandwiches for dinner (again) because I hadn’t had time to cook. I was able to adjust my expectations, and accept the fact that I was going to be spending a lot of the day (and night!) nursing. These days, I really miss those evening periods of cluster nursing when I had an excuse to put my feet up, put the TV on and stay there for 3 hours!

Unrealistic expectations can lead to a lot of problems. They can be damaging to the breastfeeding relationship, and can often lead to early weaning. When a newborn baby is hungry every 2 hours (which is very normal), the expectation that babies only need to eat every 3-4 hours can cause a mother to doubt her ability to produce enough milk for her baby. Expectations can be damaging to a woman’s sense of herself as a mother. It’s easy to feel like a terrible mother when you’re struggling (as I was) with an unrealistic view of what it’s like to be a mom. When you’re out in public and seeing mothers around you who look happy with their perfectly behaved children, you start questioning your abilities as a parent. Expectations can also cause unnecessary struggles with your children, when (for example) you are trying to get your young baby to sleep through the night because that’s what the books say your child should be doing.

Considering the fact that most of us have grown up in a society where detached parenting has been the norm, and the supermom stereotype is readily perpetuated, it’s not surprising that many of us do have very unrealistic expectations. Combine this with the fact that many women have never even held a newborn baby, let alone seeing someone else breastfeed or parent their child, and many of us are sadly unprepared for the realities of motherhood. We are not meant to parent in isolation. We learn from watching others, and sharing ideas and experiences. This is why it is so important to establish a good support system. In my early days as a parent I found a lot of support on-line, and eventually with my daughter, I found La Leche League. As friends and family started having babies of their own, they also became a valuable source of support.

As I grew as a mother, and saw those around me struggling with the same things I had struggled with, I realized that when you see those happy mothers in the store with their perfect children, there is something you haven’t seen. You haven’t seen that same mother yelling at her perfectly behaved children moments before they entered the store because she’s having a rough day and her children were fighting non-stop in the car. During my time as a La Leche League Leader, I would often hear mothers who were new to our group comment on how well behaved the children were and how relaxed the mothers were during meetings. Usually they were commenting because they felt like that would never be them, and they were feeling insecure about their abilities as a mother. That is why I used to make it a point during some meetings to talk about the things that we are less than proud of as mothers. Those were the times when you would hear about those calm mothers yelling at their children because they just can’t take the whining anymore, or the frustrations of constant tantrums. You would hear about the less than healthy meals that their children have had during those times when the moms are so tired from late night feedings, or being up with a sick child that they can’t find the energy to cook. You would hear about the piles of laundry and the fact that they hadn’t cleaned their bathroom for 2 weeks, and you would start to realize that you’re not such a bad mother after all!

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and we certainly do ourselves no favours as a society by holding up an unattainable ideal for mothers. I still struggle at times with my own expectations of myself as a mother, but I have made a lot of progress. I have surrounded myself with a strong support system, I’ve learned to listen more to my heart and my instincts, and most importantly, and I’ve learned to be gentle on myself when reality doesn’t live up to my expectations.